Dear Internet: I got better.

My last post probably seemed very dramatic, but the truth was, I was wrestling with some holiday weight gain. It doesn't matter how much I gained or whether it was all in my head; it was a real struggle for me.

Earlier in this blog I mentioned that, like many Canadians, I've struggled with my weight almost my whole life. Except that, in my adult life, I had never really been technically overweight. My struggles were more along the lines of being obsessed with staying as thin and lean as I could, at any cost. For the 67 or so percent of "real" Canadians out there who are not currently involved in a healthy exercise and nutrition plan, my "poor little skinny girl" issues were not relatable. Nobody knew just HOW greatly I struggled with my body image issues; it didn't matter, though, because I probably looked like a girl with not a care in the world as far as diet and exercise were concerned. Little did anyone know that diet and exercise were all I cared about.

To put it another way: I struggled with my weight, just in a different way.

25lbs of Relatibility
Thankfully(?) "relatability" finally came to me in my thirties. About two years ago I started carrying a lot more fat on my body - specifically in the abdominal regions. Despite still being very in tune with good nutrition and exercise, the fat came fast and furious, and IT WOULD NOT LEAVE. Typically I don't store fat in my abdomen. Genetically speaking, I'm probably more of a "hips and thighs" girl. This made the abdominal fat extra annoying, because I couldn't even blame my mother.

At the same time, I had been experiencing some blood sugar issues - I'd get very light-headed and faint in my fitness classes. One time actually went down in front of a class - a full-on crash-and-burn situation, with a heavy barbell on my shoulders for added effect. That moment was probably the catalyst for me to recognize that my diet was messed up in more ways than just the traditional Calories In-Calories Out kind of way.

I took on a very easy-to-follow eating plan whose goal was to regulate the levels of insulin, glucagon, cortisol and other such hormones in my body. In a matter of weeks I had fixed the issue with the blood sugar crashes, was feeling more energetic than I had in a long time and had managed to shed a good portion of the abdominal fat. While my main goal had been to fix my energy levels, the weight loss was definitley a sweet bonus.

I'm still on this eating plan, and I literally cannot keep up with my own metabolism. I wake up revenously hungry and in desperate need of my huge morning protein-and-whole-grain breakfast. It's a good feeling to know you're giving your body great nutrition, and it's rewarding you with a tons of energy and a healthy body composition. I can say I've lost all of that pesky abdominal fat that I'd put on in the last few years, and then some.

Oops. Somewhere along the way, this blog post turned into an informercial. My bad.

Where I'm going with this
I had recently been feeling pretty content with my body. Almost non-partisan. But after the holidays, I felt like I had literally undid everything I'd, well, UNDID over the preceeding months. I noticed that my waist seemed thicker, I had a little bit of muffin top hanging over my pants, and I just felt very uncomfortable, bloated and stuffed through my midsection. In other words: the abdominal fat had returned in all its glory. I felt like I had competely reverted back to the pudgier version of me. I very nearly threw in the towel. "All that work," I thought, "and FOUR DAYS of Christmas eating and drinking has relapsed me?!" I figured I was doomed to have abdominal fat forever. For a few days there, I stopped believing in the power of my amazing eating plan. I thought it was all for nothing, since the weight loss I'd experienced seemed to be so finicky. I nearly covinced myself to not even bother to try losing that holiday weight gain. What was the point? I was too far gone. It wasn't going to work.

As I defeated myself with this negative self talk, it dawned on me that I was feeling what 67% of Canadians feel every January when New Year's rolls around and they decide they are going to take ontrol of their wellness this year. Eat healthy! Join a gym! Do a cleanse! Work out 6 days a week and consume nothing but salads and distilled water!

We put it into our minds that we have to follow this very strict set of steps in order to grab hold of our wellness. No wonder the success rate of 'Resolutioners' is so dismal. But in addition to the delusions of what it takes to lose weight, there's yet another thing eating away at these people, and now I know what that is: we convince ourselves ahead of time that we're going to fail. Once you've talked yourself out of something, it is nearly impossible to get yourself inspired to stick with it.

Now, I'm kind of lucky because I truly love to exercise. As such, I don't have that enormous hurdle staring me in the face: the hurdle of the ensuing physical agony. So when I share this "life lesson" with you, please take it with a grain of salt; I realize I didn't have it quite as hard as the average Canadian, but these are ideas that we can all use, no matter what level of 'health appreciation' we're at. 

Here's what I've learned, in this order

1) I really enjoyed gaining that holiday weight. It was fun.
 I was lazy. I indulged. I got tipsy more often than I should have. I had lots of laughs. I got to see my family who I haven't seen in ages. It was so, so incredibly worth it.

2) There was nothing to be gained by dwelling on how bad I felt.
I could only set sights on the future. The power to reduce my muffin top was in my hands. Even if it took me 6 months to get there, please refer to point #1: It was still so worth it. Getting down on myself for letting it happen would not fix it. Dialing back into the exercise I love and the eating plan that changed my life? That would fix it.  

3) Your body wants to lose the muffin top as badly as you do.
I cruised back into my regular, easy-to-follow, pre-holiday movement and nutrition habits. I didn't drastically ramp up the exercise. I didn't drastically dial down the calories. I just got right back into the routine that made me feel better than I've felt in years: a moderate amount of exercise and great amounts of very clean food with an emphasis on hormonal balance.

And here we are, January 15th. Just two weeks later after my e-meltdown on this very blog. The life-ruining weight gain that I whined about in my previous post is gone. I've lost the holiday muffin top, and then some.

It was way, way, way easier than I had convinced myself it would be.


You can do it if you don't stress about it
The point of this post, I guess, is to realize that our mental self-sabotage can be our undoing. It can be the brick wall standing in the way of our slow and steady wellness process.

When I picture the path to wellness, it looks very much like the graphic I have plastered at the top of this page: it's kind of a meandering meadow path with lots of beautiful scenery - and virtually no elevation gain or loss. It's pretty steady, as far as topography goes. I picture the wellness path as an easy backcountry hike - not a mountain trek. It's steady, slow-paced and enjoyable. It is not grueling, demanding, exhausting, defeating.

I love a good mountain hike. And I love a grueling workout. But the path to wellness should be viewed as slow and steady. Oh, and long. It's a long, long, pleasant hike. It'll probably take you the rest of your life. There will be gentle rises and falls of the terrain, but nothing that should make you want to give up and go home.

The lesson I learned is that even just showing up at the trailhead ready to embark on the wellness path with a positive mindset will help you be successful.

Go easy on yourself - it's not a race.